English, my dear Watson!

The biggest myth of all time is that English is the language spoken in England. It is not. 

They do speak a tongue very similar to English. But the traditional test of “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck”, falls flat in this instance. 

What they talk in can only be described as a close cousin of the English language. So my dear friends from the land of the Queen, Shakespeare and the Beatles, here are a few things I have picked up:

You do not use ‘Us’ when talking only about yourself. You use it only when you are talking about you and a few other people with you. So, if it’s just you and me in a room and you tell me “could you grab that crate of beer for us”, I will look around wondering what you are talking about. Similarly, “Give us a hug” is not a perfectly acceptable phrase when talking about yourself. It’s just wrong. (Let alone probably being practically impossible. How do you hug a bunch of people?)

While we are at collective nouns, ‘Yous’ is not a word. ‘Yous Twos’ is definitely not a phrase. In fact you don’t even need an ‘s’ in this particular instance. ‘You Two’ is perfectly acceptable. The only time you really need to use an ‘s’ with one of these words when they appear together, is when you are drunk as a skunk in the middle of the day (like the English usually are) and have double vision. Then you can say “Hey look! There are Two Yous!”. In all other cases, stick to the singular.

Let’s talk about food now, a packet of potatoes sliced really thin and served in well packaged packs in different flavours by various brands are called ‘Chips’. Not ‘Crisps’. ‘Crisp’ is an adjective. So, the 'chip' can be 'crisp'. But the ‘chip’ is not a ‘crisp’. And the stuff you call ‘Chips’…those are called ‘Fries’.

And why do you greet people with the phrase “Are you all right?” You know what; I was all right till you asked me about it. But now that you have brought it up, I am wondering why you said it. Did I not look all right? Is something wrong?

And when you talk about time, when the clock reads 2:30, it is “Two thirty”. It is not “half two”. That would make it “one” and then everybody gets confused.

And here are a few other things to ponder:

Why is your best friend your ‘mate’?

Why do you say ‘taking the piss’? (That’s just wrong on so many different levels!)

‘Dinner’ is at night. You know after 8pm and all…not at 3pm!

Wonder if that’s how the Queen speaks in private as well?

“Hey Charles, bring us the crown before you and your mates go off to catch the game! Make sure you have dinner before you go. Also remember to take you tablets.

What? You don’t need tablets? Hahaha! You’re taking the piss!”

What TV taught me…

It is universally believed that the television, though a great medium of entertainment, is called the ‘idiot box’ for a reason. They say you miss out on life and don’t get any real life experiences. You don’t go out, fall down, get up again and learn from your mistakes. You watch nonsensical, mind numbing shows and movies all day long. So in a nut shell, it turns you into an idiot.

I beg to differ.

I feel that watching TV hour after hour has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. And I don’t mean this simply from the point of view of the endless laughs, countless gun fights, chilling frights or thrilling suspense. I mean this from the point of view of real life lessons.

TV showed me the meaning of life…

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and How I Met Your Mother have taught me that life is more than your job. It doesn’t matter what you do at work. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if you work. What matters is what you do when you are not at work. They have taught me that the moments that you will always remember come when you least expect it. Having a beer with people who get you is more important than spreadsheets, budgets and targets. So get out….and have some fun…

TV taught me about people…..

Weeds, Dexter, Swordfish and Prison Break have taught me that people who do things that are traditionally thought of as bad, are not always bad. 24 has taught me that people who do things ‘for the greater good’, are not always good. Leverage has shown me that “good or bad people” is simply a matter of where you stand. John Q showed me that good people do bad things while Fast Five showed me that bad people can do good things.

TV taught me about family…

Star Wars showed me that even guys have daddy issues. Thor taught me that even Gods have daddy issues. Harry Potter was proof that your parents never truly leave you alone. Home Alone was proof that sometimes your parents will literally leave you alone.

TV gave me direction…

Fight Club and Transporter taught me to play by the rules. Pirates of the Caribbean taught me that rules are more a set of guidelines. South Park, Family Guy and Seinfeld taught me the importance of laughing at myself. Never take yourself too seriously. The Hulk was evidence of what pent up anger can do. Californication taught me that “Shit be Happening”. Sound of Music taught me that it’s alright to break into song and dance about nothing at all.

TV helped me decide what sort of person to be….

The Big Bang Theory told me that it’s alright to be a geek. You can still have a good job, fun friends and a hot girlfriend. Batman Begins told me that it’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me. Superman taught me that it’s not what I do, but who I am that’s important.

TV taught me about clothes….

In Pursuit of Happiness taught me that clothes don’t make a man. Suits, Pretty Woman, the Ocean’s movies and Men in Black taught me that no matter what I do, it matters what I wear. Barney taught me that a suit can be worn anywhere. Superman taught me the importance of underwear.

TV gave me an insight into work….

The Devil wears Prada taught me that a job you’re not cut out for can be a stepping stone to something better. The Firm and The Godfather taught me how to deal with politics at work. House and N.C.I.S. showed me that if your boss is an ass, he’s doing it for your own good. Horrible Bosses showed me that if your boss is an ass, he is an ass. Charlie’s Angles showed me that if you only talk to your boss on the phone, it’s the best situation.

TV taught me about love….

Gone with the Wind taught me that I shouldn’t give a damn. Ghost taught me the true meaning of undying love. Corpse Bride taught me about undead love. Star Trek taught me to love aliens. Free Willy and Ace Ventura taught me to love animals. Planet of the Apes taught me to love alien animals. Castle, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Bones taught me that if you really love someone, to be patient about it. Marshall and Lily taught me not to be patient. To impress a girl, Ross taught me to be caring and considerate. The Ugly Truth taught me to be obnoxious.

TV taught me about women…

Sex and the City taught me that women are a lot like men. Mrs. Doubtfire and White Chicks taught me that sometimes, women are men.

TV taught me about God…

Bruce Almighty taught me that God has a sense of humour. Clash of the Titans taught me that God is as flawed as man. Bewithched showed me that the Devil….is a woman.

TV taught me to question…

The Matrix asked me to question everything because nothing is what it seems. Don’t believe in something just because somebody told you it was so. Inception backed it up.

TV gave me culture….

My Fair Lady taught me English. Amelie taught me French. Star Trek taught me Klingon. Avatar taught me Navi. The Thomas Crown Affair, Ocean’s Twelve and White Collar taught me art. As did the Da Vinci Code. Spartacus taught me about ancient Rome. Troy taught me about ancient Greece.

So what are you doing reading this? Go learn something…go watch some TV….

Marvelous Mavel's Avengers Assemble...

Yes ok...first off...before I launch into my monologue of how amazing and marvelous Marvel's latest magnum opus is...I should admit...i'm not the biggest fan of the title Avengers Assemble (in the UK anyway, so that it does not conflict with the older movie with Sean Connery I think...) but come on...that's in reality a small concession when compared with the sheer awesomeness of the actual movie!

So it brings together Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Nick Fury and Loki....yes yes Loki is the bad guy, but he's there...and he's pretty cool actually...so we'll count him as well..

The world is in danger (cos Loki has some grand plans and all that) but the real reason why Avengers is so awesome is the smaller points. Forget Stark's suit, Hawk eye's cool bow and arrow contraption and Thor's hammer ( no pun intended)...the real moments are in the dialogue. Full marks to the main man..Joss Whedon for picking up this Hulk of a movie (pun intended) and creating small moments all through it that you have to love. For anybody who doubted Whedon's ability to take this cast of the biggest superheroes the world has seen and make a relatively memorable movie...in your face!! He's nailed it and how!!

So what are the small points? Here's a few:

Awesome Dialogue #1:

during the fight scene between Thor and Iron Man in the jungle somewhere...

Thor: You know not what you do..( or some such)

Iron Man: Oh? Shakespeare in the Park? ok. Doth thou mother know that you weareth her drapes?

I mean....that was ROTFLMAO!! It was just perfectly set up and delivered! 

Awesome Dialogue #2:

Thor: Watch what you say. He's my brother (Or some such)

Black Widow: He just killed 80 people in 2 days...

Thor: (Without missing a beat) He was adopted

You just had to laugh out loud!!! Brilliant!

Awesome Dialogue #3:

When Stark meets Banner for the first time...

Stark: Dr. Banner...I love your work on (some scientific thingy)...and especially the way you turn into an uncontrollable green rage monster...

Banner: hmm...Thanks

Now, credit must got o Ruffalo for a great Hulk. He seemed like this little harmless little man who was trying his best to hide from everything. Unassuming and very quiet. A good Banner to the big bad Hulk..

Awesome Dialogue #4:

One of my favourites...this was a very onlique reference and most people probably didn't get it...

When Stark walks in and talks about something (again sciency stuff and I don't remember the exact dialogue because the next line was so awesome...) he looks at Thor and goes...

Stark: Ok Point Break..what is it..

Point Break of course being a reference to Thor's haircut which is similar to Patrick Swayze's from the movie....wait for it.....Point Break!! I mean come on...you have to love it!!

Awesome Dialogue #5:

Again a movie reference....and again...one of my favourites!!

When Captain Rogers.....or Captain America...if you prefer it...is giving orders to the troops of super awesome heroes...he orders Hawkeye to take a position up top to survey and give tactical help. He asks iron Man to sly up high and attack...

So Haekeye asks Iron Man to give him a lift upto the top of the building...and then...Stark calls him.....you have to love this.......Legolas!! That's right!! The archer dude from LOTR!! I mean how cool is that!! Superheroes referencing fantasy movies!! priceless!!


Awesome Dialogue #6:

Ok and this has to be the "Take the cake" dialogue of them all!!


So Captain America gives everybody directions and then he turns to Hulk...so now you expect him to say something like..."And you Hulk...make sure you take out as many of them as you can and cover the rest of us.."

But no! He does something totally cool....he just takes the most awesome Hulk dialogue of all time (and probably the most famous comic dialogue and turns it on its head...)


He turns to Hulk and says....

And Hulk...Smash!

I mean...that is just pure genious!! I think even Hulk liked it!!


So that's it from me!! All reasons why the Avengers is the record breaking, super...superhero movie you have to watch and later...own! (On DVD of course...or blu ray...I don't condone piracy!!)

So...until the next Marvel super hero movie...I'm going to go relive these moments....(yes...I have a very lame life!)

It's a grey Christmas....

Christmas....aaah...that time of the year when the roads and trees and houses and cars are covered in many inches of thick snow and little kiddies are making snow angles on the ground....

well not quite...

there hasn't been an inch of snow so far and the only thing close to snow is in my fridge...(though i suspect that is more because my fridge is having problems than anything else). It snowed for like 10 mins a few days back (and this was exactly when i was running to catch a bus at 6 in the morning....i hear it stopped the moment i got into the bus...and then the sun came out and the fraction of an inch of snow had melted away before you could say "Snow")

All that I see now is grey skies and cold rain and chilly winds!

How is that Christmas??

Look i'm an Indian....but I like Christmas and I come to Liverpool expecting to have a bunch of snow to make my own versions of Calvin and Hobbes morbid snowmen...(the cat belonging to the man downstairs must be happy knowing that I didn't make a fake snow mouse for it to hunt....damn!!)....so it's not fair to take that away from me you know!! I mean if you are going to be cold as hell might as well atleast snow right!! Like in all those movies and series that i watch with a few thousand feet of snow for every Christmas....but guess what...that's just creative liberty that the producers take...snow doesn't really happen like that...not anymore anyway....

There might actually be something to the Global Warming thing.....generations to come will never know the connection between snow and a carrot! But screw them....I am more worried that my dream of building the most awesome snow man ever will never be fulfilled...and that's not cool!! It was the main reason I even decided to do my MBA in a snowy country in the first place....and now....no snow!! i mean...come on!!

Looks like I have to satisfy myself with the snow substitute for now...in my fridge...whcih isn't much by the way....

Aah well...guess my Jack Frost expectations were a bit much then....

Ethos?? What Pathos!!

"Our Ethos are important to us!" That's his argument to get internet companies to censor content on the web in India.

As if the regular parade (and charade) by MNS, Shiv Sena and every other Vanar Sena out there on Valentine's Day, couples on the road, on their bikes, in their homes etc was not enough, now they want to make sure you cannot put up anything "offensive" on the internet!!

And offensive to him, and what started this whole witch hunt, is an apparent photograph of Sonia Gandhi which he and the rest of the "I am Sonia Gandhi's bitch" brigade did not like. Having not seen the photo, I cannot comment on it, but no matter what it's hardly a reason to turn it into a national sentiment argument. Guess what....I don't give a crap!! And neither does anybody else! It's Sonia Gandhi for crying out loud! Now if it was Katrina Kaif, I can understand the logic behind wanting to atleast see the picture, but Sonia Gandhi??

He even goes so far as to say that he wants Facebook, Google and other sites to provide data as to where the picture was uploaded from, who did it etc etc. What is this? The CIA? or old school KGB?? What happened to privacy and my rights to free speech and all that? Yes, I get the argument about inciting communal feelings, but surely this is not the answer! And you aren't even doing it for that reason...you are doing it purely to satisfy your bosses and cement your place in the government! If you read his interviews, he doesn't even try to make it sound like he actually cares about anything to do with the country and has a valid argument for his demands. You are a lawyer, are you not Mr. Sibal?? Surely, you must know you are making no sense!!

And where does he get off saying that he wants to protect the sentiments of the nation?? I never understand this moral policing that politicians take it upon themselves to engage in wrt the country and the people. Who are you to decide what is morally the stand of the county? Who are you to stand up and claim responsibility to protect the country? And are we, as a people, so weak that we cannot decide for ourselves what is right and wrong and good and bad that we need you to herd us in the right direction?? Surely a nation that has produced pulitzer prize winners and nobel prize winners and sport champions and business leaders and technology giants can trust its people to make sound judgements on a moral level! And, when you start comparing the "western culture" and the complaining about the nudity and sex that is "corrupting our young minds" and "going against our culture" I have to ask you.....ever heard of Kama Sutra?? Or was that a result of "western influence" as well, even in days when they did not have cable telelvision??

But most importantly, there are so many other real issues you should be campaigning for! Corruption for starters. And I don't mean the moral kind either. I am talking about the good old materialistic version. Surely, your effort is better spent working to eliminate that! Or is that in our culture? Seeing as everybody anyways associated the government with bribes, delays, in-efficiency and everything else that is a malaise, wouldn't your time be better spent trying to change that image? Or do you see this "moral policing" as an opportunity to line your pockets further? Will you back down if these internet companies offer "donations" to "the government's efforts to curb such activities"?

What we need Mr. Sibal, from you in your current post as Telecoms and IT Minister is to give us increased broadband speeds, better mobile services, higher connectivity and such other serious infrastructure changes that will actually impact more than the 1 person in the country. So why don't you actually use your post to make a positive difference as opposed to chasing after alleged photos that makes no difference to anybody...

Oh and by the way....#IdiotKapilSibal is now trending on Twitter...maybe we should ban that as well? What say?

Change is a good thing??

As I ride back in a rickshaw from a trip to get a change of hairstyle, I start thinking about change and my life online. Don't ask me how they are related, but the mind goes where it goes and there isn't much you can do about it. So then, "Change is the only constant" they say....and it's almost like websites the world over are out to prove the point (or disprove it..depending on which side of the fence you are on...)

First there was facebook. They really took this to heart by introducing a new interface every day. Look your posts now appear in chronological order. And look now, your friends are tagged along with your posts so everything is viral. And look, even better, news feed is now the main section on your profile. Maybe we'll move your photos to a different format. You know what, why don't we move your photos to your wall in a format that will chronologically tag all your friends while they feed you news!! Ok, I might have got the last one a bit wrong, but you get the point....

Off late, its google who've taken to ripping my digital world as i knew it apart and rearranging the furniture...almost like Darren Sammy's stumps in the India-West Indies series..

First they change the google home page with a drop down that collapses and then drops back down if you mistakenly run your mouse somewhere near the top of the page. And now Youtube looks like a facebook page now.....

And I don't like it!

I mean, I like my pages to all look different so that I know where one site ends and the other begins. So if everyhting looks like everything else, it is really painful to organise my life. Yes, users should have ease of navigation and movement from one site to the other in the new completely digital world and all that...but I like my life as it is!! Don't change it!!

If you want to bring in something new, bring in SIRI.. now that is something I can get used to. The cheeky responses to questions like "What is the meaning of life??", that alone will make it worth it. But otherwise, don't move the pieces of the puzzle around...I have so many other things happening in my life, I come here for some semblance of stability! My site cannot stop co-operating with me on an important project, stop talking to me, not give me that promotion i deserve, not give me a loan and so on and so forth. It is dependable....SO DON'T CHANGE IT!!

But, alas, I know I am probably the only voice crying out for no change in a world obsessed with it. And as if to prove my point, the auto driver turns towards me when I hand him the money and says..."Change hai??"...

Hanh hai...thoda zyada hai...sigh!!

Occam's Razor

No....Occam's is not a brand like Gillette...and no this is not a blog about my experiences during shaving.....in any way, shape or form....

It is, as the name suggests, a quest for answers......

Not really.....but I would like to raise a few questions.....

But before I go there...let me atleast explain my blog title...right? Now Occam's Razor is a very simple principle...."The simplest explanation is probably the right one"

Now that sounds simple enough right?....but it invariably never works in life now, does it? Too simple an explanation makes you wonder, is that really true? Can that be possible? Is that the right thing? Do I deserve life to be that simple? (Just to clarify, these are not the aforementioned questions..)

Like, if the friendly neighbourhood spider offered you a free ride.....oops sorry...did I say spider...i meant cabbie. (I can see how spider would be freaky...unless you were the citizens of Gotham city...then you would be....wait a min..was it Gotham city or Metropolis?...anyway...you get the point). Your first reaction would be to go to the guy right next to him who charges you an arm and a leg.....and a liver for good measure. Why? well because, you, me and the average Joe are not used to acts of charity now, are we? We expect to be ripped off, so surely he can't be doing this out of the goodness of his heart now, can he? The world is not full of rainbows and bunnies and babies....(ok it is full of babies..but not the other two, even in Liverpool where it rains and sun shines brightly all at the same time! you would expect rainbows galore wouldn't you....but no!!!..and for all the things they say about bunnies, where is a bunny when you are trying to disprove a point, hanh??)....

or when a major media company decides to start their own social network thingy....the obvious thing is, you tried it once, it didn't work. there is already a site that does all that you promise and more and it is growing all the time. People are tired of having multiple networks, it is tiring. People will get bored. Stay with what you are so awesomely good at and let people be. Don't try to plus your way....(i obviously meant plug...must have been a typo)... into their lives!! But no!! we will try...complicate lives, send out invites and so on and so forth....

so...anyway....why I came to this topic is that.....I have this little thing to do...it's called a Dissertation....where I have to analyse a topic and present my recommendations after 15000 utterly boring, meaningless words! Now see, right here is where Occam's Razor would apply...

While making the course modules, somebody ought to have said..."Let the kid's get some work experience and then just write up something about it...or better still we'll just ask the employers to rate their performance" I mean it's an MBA...so what are you going to judge...how well I understand the business right?....but no!!! we want you to spend time, effort, money and well...time mainly....writing 15-goddamn-thousand words on it! Why oh why would anyone want to do that...and why -oh-why would anyone want to read that??

but...you know what....i am taking ti seriously nevertheless. It is something that needs to be done and it needs to be done right. So....i started with what it is called...a "Dissertation". Ta da!! right there...my way out....by definition, it is a "Desertation"...so I will "desert" it. And so....I haven't really gotten started! Woo hoo! Now come on...this is not my fault...U call it something that deserves desertion, then I just have to follow instructions right?....

Ah well...if only life were that simple....Or maybe it is.....

Maybe it is all about crossing the road....maybe the chicken had all the answers....you know what...i think the chicken deserves it's own post.....