English, my dear Watson!

The biggest myth of all time is that English is the language spoken in England. It is not. 

They do speak a tongue very similar to English. But the traditional test of “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck”, falls flat in this instance. 

What they talk in can only be described as a close cousin of the English language. So my dear friends from the land of the Queen, Shakespeare and the Beatles, here are a few things I have picked up:

You do not use ‘Us’ when talking only about yourself. You use it only when you are talking about you and a few other people with you. So, if it’s just you and me in a room and you tell me “could you grab that crate of beer for us”, I will look around wondering what you are talking about. Similarly, “Give us a hug” is not a perfectly acceptable phrase when talking about yourself. It’s just wrong. (Let alone probably being practically impossible. How do you hug a bunch of people?)

While we are at collective nouns, ‘Yous’ is not a word. ‘Yous Twos’ is definitely not a phrase. In fact you don’t even need an ‘s’ in this particular instance. ‘You Two’ is perfectly acceptable. The only time you really need to use an ‘s’ with one of these words when they appear together, is when you are drunk as a skunk in the middle of the day (like the English usually are) and have double vision. Then you can say “Hey look! There are Two Yous!”. In all other cases, stick to the singular.

Let’s talk about food now, a packet of potatoes sliced really thin and served in well packaged packs in different flavours by various brands are called ‘Chips’. Not ‘Crisps’. ‘Crisp’ is an adjective. So, the 'chip' can be 'crisp'. But the ‘chip’ is not a ‘crisp’. And the stuff you call ‘Chips’…those are called ‘Fries’.

And why do you greet people with the phrase “Are you all right?” You know what; I was all right till you asked me about it. But now that you have brought it up, I am wondering why you said it. Did I not look all right? Is something wrong?

And when you talk about time, when the clock reads 2:30, it is “Two thirty”. It is not “half two”. That would make it “one” and then everybody gets confused.

And here are a few other things to ponder:

Why is your best friend your ‘mate’?

Why do you say ‘taking the piss’? (That’s just wrong on so many different levels!)

‘Dinner’ is at night. You know after 8pm and all…not at 3pm!

Wonder if that’s how the Queen speaks in private as well?

“Hey Charles, bring us the crown before you and your mates go off to catch the game! Make sure you have dinner before you go. Also remember to take you tablets.

What? You don’t need tablets? Hahaha! You’re taking the piss!”