Bond, Change Bond...

I just watched the latest Bond movie, Skyfall, and true to the latest Bond movies it packed action and the sauve-ness of the character into a slick movie...

But was it worth the franchise? Was it good enough to stand among the pantheon of Bond movies as the movie to celebrate "50 years of Bond"? 

Unfortunately...No.

Let me be explain...

I'll start with the things I thought worked. 

Music: 

The music by Adele was a great throw back to the quintessential Bond themes. Haunting, slow but packing a punch. Adele's voice went a long way to making it work as well. So full marks for that. Madonna's 'Die Another Day' though alright, didn't really capture the essence of what Bond should be...

The Ending:

If you haven't watched the movie yet...look away now! Spolier alert!

Right, so the ending with M's death and the appointment of Ralph Fiennes as the new M, is again a step back to the old Bond recipe. Judi Dench became the first female Bond when Pierce Brosnan took over the tuxedo 7 movies back. She's done a brilliant job manning the male dominated MI6, but you knew she was due to retire from the franchise soon. I mean how long could she go on? So, the change though expected was executed very well. 

And of course, Moneypenny!! I was beginning to miss her after they didn't bring back Samantha Bond (Yes, that's her name! You can't make these things up...) after 'Die Another Day'. So, her return, with the unmasking of the full name of the character Eve, is a nice return to the good old Bond we all know and love. Naomi Harris as Moneypenny, is black though, but the early signs point to her being pretty capable of pulling it off...

Exposing Bond:

I quite liked them taking a deeper look into Bond's character, to some extent anyway. Otherwise, he is just a character who you think just grew up in a tuxedo with a license to kill. Does it work? Perhaps. But they really need to do more with it for it to be of any significance. In this movie, it was just a placeholder...

Right...so now onto my gripes...

Story:

Didn't anybody sit and really put some effort into coming up with a creative, interesting, new, original storyline for what is 50 years of cars, guns, chases and women? Ex MI6 agent is disenchanted and feels betrayed and decides to go out on his own and become a super villain and now wants revenge. Sound familiar? Forget other movies, it's very similar to....wait for it....'Golden Eye'! (Just without the Bond girl, villainous Bond girl, Russian satellite, secret satellite station, electro-magnetic-radiation resistant helicopter and dish antennae under a lake in Cuba! But I'll come to that later) Yes the first Brosnan movie from 1995! Why oh why would you copy your own storyline?

'Tomorrow Never Dies' - now that was an original storyline. And yes, the movie wasn't the best, but as far as stories go...it was good. But this was so dour, so yesterday. I felt very disappointed. This is not Bond. So, not Bond!

Q and Gadgets:

The new younger Q, I understand. They are looking for a whole new cast apparently based on the ending of this movie, so that's ok. But where on earth are the gadgets? When I go to a Bond movie, I expect to see grappling hook shooting watches, jet packs, shoes with blades, mobile driven cars, mobiles with tazers, invisible cars, glass shattering rings, cars with missiles, exploding pens and what not. and what do I see here? Just a palm print recognising gun that no-one but Bond can fire! And a miniature radio. 

Yes, I get that it's a new direction, but it's Bond! You don't have Bond without out-of-this-world ridiculous gadgets! Q actually asks Bond, "Did you expect an exploding pen?"...Yes!! For starters!!

Dialogues:

And finally my biggest complaint. Where's all the witty, funny, pun-filled banter on Bond? Watch the Brosnan movies to see what I mean. It's packed with dialogues that make you smile, laugh and howl. That's what Bond does. Hell, that's what they all do on Bond! 

The dialogue here is laboured, slow and so predictable. It's like any other spy caper. It doesn't have enough subtlety about it to be worthy of Bond. And that's not just this movie. It's all of them since Daniel Craig took over. It's not his fault, but still! Give me a good set of lines anyday over a testrosterone packed chase...

I feel sad watching such a great franchise falling into the trap of being comfortable with just churning out movies like a factory without making all the pieces of the puzzle fit in. Yes, it will do well. Yes, it will make money. But when you walk out of the hall, as the adrenaline of watching it starts to fade, you realise that you feel something's missing. You don't feel like the movie was complete. And you're right. It wasn't. It wasn't Bond.

Maybe they just need to hire a director who can deliver all this. Someone who understand that people with power also have a sense of humour. Someone who builds characters. Someone who tells stories. Someone who can pack all this in inside a 2 hour movie. Someone like....Joss Whedon maybe. Avengers has everything that Bond is missing. Great dialogues, heroes whose characters are built during the course of the movie and a storyline that has enough different elements in it to make you walk out feeling.."Yeah....that was worth it..."

Maybe he can give this franchise the shot in the arm it needs.

And while he's at it, maybe he can bring back the martini - shaken, not stirred!

English, my dear Watson!

The biggest myth of all time is that English is the language spoken in England. It is not. 

They do speak a tongue very similar to English. But the traditional test of “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck”, falls flat in this instance. 

What they talk in can only be described as a close cousin of the English language. So my dear friends from the land of the Queen, Shakespeare and the Beatles, here are a few things I have picked up:

You do not use ‘Us’ when talking only about yourself. You use it only when you are talking about you and a few other people with you. So, if it’s just you and me in a room and you tell me “could you grab that crate of beer for us”, I will look around wondering what you are talking about. Similarly, “Give us a hug” is not a perfectly acceptable phrase when talking about yourself. It’s just wrong. (Let alone probably being practically impossible. How do you hug a bunch of people?)

While we are at collective nouns, ‘Yous’ is not a word. ‘Yous Twos’ is definitely not a phrase. In fact you don’t even need an ‘s’ in this particular instance. ‘You Two’ is perfectly acceptable. The only time you really need to use an ‘s’ with one of these words when they appear together, is when you are drunk as a skunk in the middle of the day (like the English usually are) and have double vision. Then you can say “Hey look! There are Two Yous!”. In all other cases, stick to the singular.

Let’s talk about food now, a packet of potatoes sliced really thin and served in well packaged packs in different flavours by various brands are called ‘Chips’. Not ‘Crisps’. ‘Crisp’ is an adjective. So, the 'chip' can be 'crisp'. But the ‘chip’ is not a ‘crisp’. And the stuff you call ‘Chips’…those are called ‘Fries’.

And why do you greet people with the phrase “Are you all right?” You know what; I was all right till you asked me about it. But now that you have brought it up, I am wondering why you said it. Did I not look all right? Is something wrong?

And when you talk about time, when the clock reads 2:30, it is “Two thirty”. It is not “half two”. That would make it “one” and then everybody gets confused.

And here are a few other things to ponder:

Why is your best friend your ‘mate’?

Why do you say ‘taking the piss’? (That’s just wrong on so many different levels!)

‘Dinner’ is at night. You know after 8pm and all…not at 3pm!

Wonder if that’s how the Queen speaks in private as well?

“Hey Charles, bring us the crown before you and your mates go off to catch the game! Make sure you have dinner before you go. Also remember to take you tablets.

What? You don’t need tablets? Hahaha! You’re taking the piss!”

What TV taught me…

It is universally believed that the television, though a great medium of entertainment, is called the ‘idiot box’ for a reason. They say you miss out on life and don’t get any real life experiences. You don’t go out, fall down, get up again and learn from your mistakes. You watch nonsensical, mind numbing shows and movies all day long. So in a nut shell, it turns you into an idiot.

I beg to differ.

I feel that watching TV hour after hour has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. And I don’t mean this simply from the point of view of the endless laughs, countless gun fights, chilling frights or thrilling suspense. I mean this from the point of view of real life lessons.

TV showed me the meaning of life…

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and How I Met Your Mother have taught me that life is more than your job. It doesn’t matter what you do at work. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if you work. What matters is what you do when you are not at work. They have taught me that the moments that you will always remember come when you least expect it. Having a beer with people who get you is more important than spreadsheets, budgets and targets. So get out….and have some fun…

TV taught me about people…..

Weeds, Dexter, Swordfish and Prison Break have taught me that people who do things that are traditionally thought of as bad, are not always bad. 24 has taught me that people who do things ‘for the greater good’, are not always good. Leverage has shown me that “good or bad people” is simply a matter of where you stand. John Q showed me that good people do bad things while Fast Five showed me that bad people can do good things.

TV taught me about family…

Star Wars showed me that even guys have daddy issues. Thor taught me that even Gods have daddy issues. Harry Potter was proof that your parents never truly leave you alone. Home Alone was proof that sometimes your parents will literally leave you alone.

TV gave me direction…

Fight Club and Transporter taught me to play by the rules. Pirates of the Caribbean taught me that rules are more a set of guidelines. South Park, Family Guy and Seinfeld taught me the importance of laughing at myself. Never take yourself too seriously. The Hulk was evidence of what pent up anger can do. Californication taught me that “Shit be Happening”. Sound of Music taught me that it’s alright to break into song and dance about nothing at all.

TV helped me decide what sort of person to be….

The Big Bang Theory told me that it’s alright to be a geek. You can still have a good job, fun friends and a hot girlfriend. Batman Begins told me that it’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me. Superman taught me that it’s not what I do, but who I am that’s important.

TV taught me about clothes….

In Pursuit of Happiness taught me that clothes don’t make a man. Suits, Pretty Woman, the Ocean’s movies and Men in Black taught me that no matter what I do, it matters what I wear. Barney taught me that a suit can be worn anywhere. Superman taught me the importance of underwear.

TV gave me an insight into work….

The Devil wears Prada taught me that a job you’re not cut out for can be a stepping stone to something better. The Firm and The Godfather taught me how to deal with politics at work. House and N.C.I.S. showed me that if your boss is an ass, he’s doing it for your own good. Horrible Bosses showed me that if your boss is an ass, he is an ass. Charlie’s Angles showed me that if you only talk to your boss on the phone, it’s the best situation.

TV taught me about love….

Gone with the Wind taught me that I shouldn’t give a damn. Ghost taught me the true meaning of undying love. Corpse Bride taught me about undead love. Star Trek taught me to love aliens. Free Willy and Ace Ventura taught me to love animals. Planet of the Apes taught me to love alien animals. Castle, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and Bones taught me that if you really love someone, to be patient about it. Marshall and Lily taught me not to be patient. To impress a girl, Ross taught me to be caring and considerate. The Ugly Truth taught me to be obnoxious.

TV taught me about women…

Sex and the City taught me that women are a lot like men. Mrs. Doubtfire and White Chicks taught me that sometimes, women are men.

TV taught me about God…

Bruce Almighty taught me that God has a sense of humour. Clash of the Titans taught me that God is as flawed as man. Bewithched showed me that the Devil….is a woman.

TV taught me to question…

The Matrix asked me to question everything because nothing is what it seems. Don’t believe in something just because somebody told you it was so. Inception backed it up.

TV gave me culture….

My Fair Lady taught me English. Amelie taught me French. Star Trek taught me Klingon. Avatar taught me Navi. The Thomas Crown Affair, Ocean’s Twelve and White Collar taught me art. As did the Da Vinci Code. Spartacus taught me about ancient Rome. Troy taught me about ancient Greece.

So what are you doing reading this? Go learn something…go watch some TV….

Marvelous Mavel's Avengers Assemble...

Yes ok...first off...before I launch into my monologue of how amazing and marvelous Marvel's latest magnum opus is...I should admit...i'm not the biggest fan of the title Avengers Assemble (in the UK anyway, so that it does not conflict with the older movie with Sean Connery I think...) but come on...that's in reality a small concession when compared with the sheer awesomeness of the actual movie!

So it brings together Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Nick Fury and Loki....yes yes Loki is the bad guy, but he's there...and he's pretty cool actually...so we'll count him as well..

The world is in danger (cos Loki has some grand plans and all that) but the real reason why Avengers is so awesome is the smaller points. Forget Stark's suit, Hawk eye's cool bow and arrow contraption and Thor's hammer ( no pun intended)...the real moments are in the dialogue. Full marks to the main man..Joss Whedon for picking up this Hulk of a movie (pun intended) and creating small moments all through it that you have to love. For anybody who doubted Whedon's ability to take this cast of the biggest superheroes the world has seen and make a relatively memorable movie...in your face!! He's nailed it and how!!

So what are the small points? Here's a few:

Awesome Dialogue #1:

during the fight scene between Thor and Iron Man in the jungle somewhere...

Thor: You know not what you do..( or some such)

Iron Man: Oh? Shakespeare in the Park? ok. Doth thou mother know that you weareth her drapes?

I mean....that was ROTFLMAO!! It was just perfectly set up and delivered! 

Awesome Dialogue #2:

Thor: Watch what you say. He's my brother (Or some such)

Black Widow: He just killed 80 people in 2 days...

Thor: (Without missing a beat) He was adopted

You just had to laugh out loud!!! Brilliant!

Awesome Dialogue #3:

When Stark meets Banner for the first time...

Stark: Dr. Banner...I love your work on (some scientific thingy)...and especially the way you turn into an uncontrollable green rage monster...

Banner: hmm...Thanks

Now, credit must got o Ruffalo for a great Hulk. He seemed like this little harmless little man who was trying his best to hide from everything. Unassuming and very quiet. A good Banner to the big bad Hulk..

Awesome Dialogue #4:

One of my favourites...this was a very onlique reference and most people probably didn't get it...

When Stark walks in and talks about something (again sciency stuff and I don't remember the exact dialogue because the next line was so awesome...) he looks at Thor and goes...

Stark: Ok Point Break..what is it..

Point Break of course being a reference to Thor's haircut which is similar to Patrick Swayze's from the movie....wait for it.....Point Break!! I mean come on...you have to love it!!

Awesome Dialogue #5:

Again a movie reference....and again...one of my favourites!!

When Captain Rogers.....or Captain America...if you prefer it...is giving orders to the troops of super awesome heroes...he orders Hawkeye to take a position up top to survey and give tactical help. He asks iron Man to sly up high and attack...

So Haekeye asks Iron Man to give him a lift upto the top of the building...and then...Stark calls him.....you have to love this.......Legolas!! That's right!! The archer dude from LOTR!! I mean how cool is that!! Superheroes referencing fantasy movies!! priceless!!


Awesome Dialogue #6:

Ok and this has to be the "Take the cake" dialogue of them all!!


So Captain America gives everybody directions and then he turns to Hulk...so now you expect him to say something like..."And you Hulk...make sure you take out as many of them as you can and cover the rest of us.."

But no! He does something totally cool....he just takes the most awesome Hulk dialogue of all time (and probably the most famous comic dialogue and turns it on its head...)


He turns to Hulk and says....

And Hulk...Smash!

I mean...that is just pure genious!! I think even Hulk liked it!!


So that's it from me!! All reasons why the Avengers is the record breaking, super...superhero movie you have to watch and later...own! (On DVD of course...or blu ray...I don't condone piracy!!)

So...until the next Marvel super hero movie...I'm going to go relive these moments....(yes...I have a very lame life!)